The Machines! They're Taking Over!

Yes, I understand you're in line, but if I have to go help a cashier having an issue at their register, don't get pissy with me, just go to another register if you can't wait. Shit happens when dealing with technology. Deal with it, you special snowflake. Believe me, we want you out of the store as much as you want to leave.

Stand Up!

Best moment was douchetard wanting Lotto but did not want to wait in line, so I asked if the other folks in line would mind if I served him first. Next guy in line very firmly said yes, he would mind. I wanted to kiss him! So damn awesome!

You Are NOT A Special Snowflake

Dear lady who refused to get in line for a refund, making everyone else wait while she made a stink, I hope a pigeon shits on you.

Let's NOT Get Dirty!

Dear Nasty Ass People, the baskets and carts the store provides for your shopping is NOT a garbage can. Do not dump your used antibacterial wipes, Kleenexes, etc in the carts. 

Crazy Refund Lady!

I thank God that this woman did not come into my store but we've definitely had people LIKE her!

No Money Without The Honey

NO you can not get a refund without bringing the product back, ya douchetard and thunderous twat. Yes this happened twice today and both made such a stink about it, you could just tell there was no room for logic in that brain. And one was a security guard. How scary is that, that someone THAT stupid is responsible for the safety of people!

Don't Be Trashy!

Dear moronic people of the universe, if a sign says on BOTH sides of a tin that it's for liquid only and NOT garbage and you keep putting garbage in it, you are thus a fraktard moron. 

Paying It Forward...But Not On Purpose!

People, when we talk to you, PAY ATTENTION or you may end up paying for someone else's groceries. If we ask if you and the person next to you's groceries are together and you are too busy chatting or on your phone and you say 'yeah' dismissively, I'm going to scan your stuff together and you're so in your own little bubble you're home now and probably STILL have not noticed you have something on your receipt you didn't buy. We're not invisible robots. We're not talking for our health.

Money Bags

Had idiot customer try and snatch a bag off my register without my noticing! Seriously, you're shopping in THIS store, in this area and you're so much of a tight-ass you don't want to pay 5 cents for a bag? And then he pretends to be all innocent that he didn't know he had to pay for it. Right. 

Out! Out Damn Spot!

Dear stupid woman in the pop aisle, when we make the announcement that the store is now closed, this does not mean take your sweet time looking around, it means move your ass to a register and get out. And who of course was the last customer in our store...who else? Poison lady. Priceless!

This Is Not The Change Obama Was Talking About

I'd like to give an honorable mention to the 'poison lady' who was taking money out of the bank machine in our store...and talking to the machine but today's thunderous twat had to be lady who stood by Lotto wanting me to give her change.
Me: Sorry, I can't give you change unless you buy something.
Thunderous Twat: Oh, okay, I'll wait until you open the register and then you can give me change.
Me: Uh, no. I mean I can't give change unless you buy something.
TT: (annoyed) So, what, I have to buy a pack of gum to get change?
Me: That would work, sure.
(TT stalks off annoyed and grabs a water bottle and resumes her place in front of Lotto)
(I look at her and then at customers in my line and then back at her)
Me: Sorry, I'm going to need you to get in line.
(TT glares at me and storms off to another register...where she has to wait in line)
Cute guy in my line who was the next customer: Uh wow. That one's kind of nuts wasn't she?
Me: (silent but smile in agreement)

What's The Point?

I shall introduce you to 'Mrs Nine Points'. Mrs Nine Points is only one rung lower on the ladder of crazy as Poison Lady, who according to another cashier is infamous not just in OUR store but in the stores her friends work at too! But back to Mrs Nine Points. She comes into the store with a day old receipt asking us to put her missed nine points on her store card cause she forgot it yesterday. I inform her that we no longer do this because people will bring in stacks of late receipts or bring in receipts from their friends who don't have the card. Mrs Nine Points does not take this news well. A fuss is made. Those nine points seemed to be quite vital to her existence. Poor crazy woman, get out of my line.

Tick Tock Or I'm Gonna Get Kesha To Kick Your Ass!

Dear stupid woman in the pop aisle, when we make the announcement that the store is now closed, this does not mean take your sweet time looking around, it means move your ass to a register and get out. And who of course was the last customer in our store...who else? Poison lady. Priceless!

Roll With It, Baby

Customer: "Do you sell wrapping papers?"
Me: You mean for gift wrapping? No, sorry, we don't."
Customer next to her in line (laughing): No, not wrapping papers, she means rolling papers.
Me: (blinks and is confused until understanding dawns) Oh! (laughs) "No sorry, we don't sell those either."

I didn't know there were gold ones. How fancy!

Like Sands Through The Hourglass

If you try and return an item over a MONTH after you bought it, no, I will not give you a refund and yes I will mentally be bitch slapping you with said item and bestow upon you the title of DOUCHETARD!

Special Guest Star: Poison Lady

One of our more infamous customers is someone I've nicknamed Poison Lady. This woman first earned the name when she would buy items and then return them a few days later claiming they were poisoned and that the store was trying to poison her...only to buy the exact same item the next day. Batshit crazy and hell-a entertaining. I look forward to sharing many many stories about her with all my lovely followers. Oh, you guys just don't know! Lol!

If You're Not A Cow In A Field, Stop Your Grazing!

Do not eat, drink, use anything in a grocery store that you pulled off a shelf and haven't paid for and then leave the empty,half-empty bottle, empty wrapper behind. There's a name for people like you...what is it again? Oh right THIEVES! Oh and rumor has it stealing is against the law. I hope someone steals your wallet right on payday and just when you notice, a pigeon shits on you!

Don't Be Shee-ople!

One or two huge carts in a regular line will move faster than every idiot lining up in the express line thinking because it's express that means faster. NOT if everyone is lining up there!

Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Yes I can sell you Lotto, but only if you get in line. You can choose to not listen and stay in front of the Lotto terminal that has NO cash register in front of it, but I am going to ignore you stupid ass while I serve the insane line up of people I have. If you see that I'm the only one who can sell you that Lotto, grow a brain cell and get in line!

The Psycho Files: Digits For Idjits

Had one crazy ass psycho customer who did not understand that scanning error code policy is if an item scans wrong THAT's when u get it free, NOT when a cashier accidentally punches in wrong code. Manager agreed w me but even after gave her refund 2 get her out of my hair, she was STILL ranting about it.

No Vacancy

The register is NOT a hotel. We don't take reservations so don't leave your stuff then continue shopping thinking I'm going to reserve your spot. I'm not. If someone comes after your dumb ass, I'll take your stuff OFF the belt and serve them instead even if you come back and get pissy with me.

Don't You Want Me, Baby?

If you decide you don't want an item, do NOT just leave it on the floor or in your basket once you've emptied it or somewhere else it isn't supposed to be (especially if it's something perishable like milk, meat etc where it will go bad cause cashier doesn't know it's lying there) just GIVE IT TO the cashier!

Who You Gonna Call?

Yes, we will let you use our phone at the customer service lane since we don't have any pay phones, but no if our phone can't call out to 411 because you don't know the number you're calling, you can NOT use the phones up in our offices, ya douchetard!

Start The Car!

No, you cannot get your friend to start taking your bags out to the car before I've finished scanning your items and cashing you out and if you're stupid enough to ask why, rest assured I am calling you a frakking moron in my head.

Flash Me!

It's helpful to a) actually show me what card you're using to pay and b) if I ask you what card you're paying by, if it's credit, telling me 'credit' tells me nothing. I have to press the button for the specific card one on my screen. If I ask you which one and you repeat 'credit' I'm going to want to bitch slap you, especially if you do this more than three times!

Retail Rant: Basket Case

Do NOT put your basket on the belt. Empty your stuff FROM the basket TO the belt because a) the belt moves so unless you're moving with it, you're going to be chasing it to try and get your stuff out of it and b)leaving your stuff in the basket on the belt for me to fish out is hell-a rude. I'm there to scan your stuff, not hurt myself, you douchetard.

Retail Rant: Doggy Style

People, listen carefully because this is important. (grabs a blow horn) KEEP YOUR PETS AT HOME! We sell food here and there is a sign on both exits that says NO PETS ALLOWED. Common sense one would think but people still do it! I don't care if it's too cold or wet or whatever to leave Boopy or Muffy outside, easy fix, leave her HOME.

Retail Rant: The Proof Is The Proof

KEEP YOUR DAMN RECEIPTS! if you buy something from ANOTHER store and bring it into the second store, or buy something in the store and forget something and go back to buy it, have your receipt with you or we're gonna stop you and ask you for it when you come through the register.

Retail Rant: Express Yourself!

The express lanes have limits for a reason. Don't come to a 12 item LIMIT lane with over 12 items. Especially if there are people following the policy behind you. You're taking up time AND causing an even bigger line up. Have some respect for your fellow shoppers. There are restrictions and boundaries in life. Deal.

Retail Rant: Stop Swapping Spit!

PDA's in front of the register: Stop it. Stop it now! I really don't need to see you two playing tonsil hockey in front of me and the other customers!

Retail Rant: It's In The Bag!

Reusable bags ON the belt mean you want us to bag for you, if you hang on to the reusable bag or put them on the other end of the cash register, guess what, to a cashier that's the universal language for 'no thanks, I'll bag them myself' Don't bag your stuff and then complain that I didn't help you bag.

Retail Rant: Who You Gonna Call?

When you get to the cash register, GET OFF YOUR PHONE. There's a whole spiel cashiers need to ask you (bags, cards, reward points etc) and we are going to speak over your oh so riveting conversation + constantly interrupt you on principle.

Retail Rant: Sign, Sign, Everywhere A Sign!

If you're going to pay by credit, sign the receipt EXACTLY as it is on the card otherwise I'm going to think you've stolen the card and ask you to sign it again. Save the dirty looks for the mirror. If I'm doing my job and protecting your stupid ass card just smile. Follow these words of wisdom from your neighborhood grocery cashier and we'll all be better off.

Is it just me or is the blonde totally flirting with the clerk and the blonde's girlfriend is all about watching the signing to make sure she's gonna get the stuff her girlfriend is buying for her? 

Retail Rant: U Can't Touch This!

USE the grocery separator to separate your stuff! The belt moves which means putting space between your stuff is not enough. It'll all get brought together as the belt moves so if you want to save me having to void your sorry ass items from someone else's transactions USE the separator. Thank you.

Retail Rant: I'm Paying. No I'm Paying. Don't Take Her Money! My Money First!

People, if you're shopping together decide BEFORE you get to the cash WHO is going to pay. Spending half an hour giggling over insisting on paying is only cute to YOU.