Not So Happy Meal

I don't know which is worse, working retail, or food service!

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other

If you see someone on the phone, no where near the register, in a uniform that looks nothing like the uniforms of those at their registers, don't ask if they're able to cash you out. I know it's a lot of work, but try and see if you can walk the few steps to a register that actually has a cashier at it.

Poison Lady: You Can Always Count On Her And Death

Latest Poison Lady story, I'm of course the unlucky one she comes to . She seems surprised one of our items has tax on it. I try and explain that some of the items do, some don't.
Her: Do you know which ones do?
Me: (blinks) What? You mean in the whole store?
She nods.
Me: Um no.
She looks even more surprised about THIS!: You mean they don't inform you which items have tax on them?
Me (trying not to roll my eyes heavenward for some relief from this woman) No
Her: They don't give you a sheet or anything?
Me: Nope
Her: That's kinda stupid.(finally she leaves)
Next customer in line: Did she just ask you to tell her all the items that had tax on them?
Me(laughing): Yep. Never a dull moment with that one.

Ashton, You Can Come Out Now!

So I think I've met Poison Lady's twin. Looks nothing like her, but in flaky craziness, they could totally be related. I will dub her Cowboy Hat Lady though cause she had on a blue cowboy hat. Lol! She wanted to buy bags... then didn't.... then wanted re-usables.... then wanted plastic again...then wanted re-usables again...then wanted the plastic bags IN the reusable because the brand new-as-yet-to-be-used bag could have germs in it. I swear, sometimes at my job I almost look around for Ashton Kutcher, certain I'm being Punk'd.

Poison Lady: Hey Baby, How YOU Doin'?

Oh Poison Lady, you never disappoint. I knew I was in for an interesting day when another cashier told me she saw Poison Lady in a tiny skirt...and that she bent over...and the mystery was over, as it were. Then she goes to another poor cashier and insists on getting her points after the transaction was over after she said she didn't have her card and then found it. (Once it's over, we don't add the points) I explained this to her and she decided she wanted to refund the whole transaction and do it again to get her points, then before the cashier can do it, she changes her mind and leaves. But not before asking the guy beside her in line out on a date! As the man has picked up on the cray cray that is the Poison Lady, he simply tells her he has to check his schedule. (laughs) This woman drives us nuts but damn if she isn't entertaining as hell!

Does This Look Like Xanadu To You?

We put signs up for your stupid ass benefit. When we tell you there are no roller blades allowed, it's so you won't crash into someone or fall in the store and damage the single brain cell you seem to possess.

Poison Lady: You Better Work!

Oh Poison Lady, you never disappoint. Came into the store needing to, of course, return something and as I was on courtesy, she had to come to me. I was dealing with a bunch of lotto though so luckily another lovely cashier popped up and took her crazy ass off my hands. She proceeded to complain to the poor girl that I was unprofessional...apparently because I didn't stop dealing with my Lotto customer to tend to her craziness.

Poison Lady: She's Got Her Mind Set On You

Oh Poison Lady, you were in rare form on this day. Unfortunately, being on coffee bar, I couldn't avoid her as she got her 4 shot Americano... because, you know, she needs the caffeine. (snorts) She went to the manager and went on to complain about me and how she has psychic powers that tell her I have somehow been stealing from her debit card! (dies) My bank account sure as hell doesn't reflect that so I must not be a very good thief. And apparently she was going to report me to the FBI and that the manager should report me too... A reminder that we're in CANADA! She of course came back and wanted another Americano and found the manager to ask her if the woman had reported me yet. I ... yeah. (dies)

That's NOT In My Job Description!

                                       I shouldn't be surprised this exists, but I am! Lol!!!

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Carry Out!

Oooh if only we could do this to our annoying customers! Lol!

Those Look Familiar

If you bring in groceries from another store and have them in your bag, yet don't have the receipt for them and we sell those items, if I'm packing your bag with the items your buying and see those items in the bag, don't cop an attitude if I ask you if I forgot to scan your 'other' items and ask if you have the receipt, ya thunderous twat.

That's NOT A Wrap!

If you`re buying flowers and you see that a) the cashier has a long line up and b)there`s no one else that you see behind the counter, do NOT ask her to wrap them. That just pisses off the people in line behind you, and the cashier who has to deal with the dirty looks after you and your dumbass flowers have left. Perhaps go to a FLOWER SHOP, where they don't have to serve other kinds of customers or have huge damn line ups next time or pick a time when it's not batshit crazy? (ie NOT when everyone just gotten out of work?) 

Poison Lady: The Crazy Makes Her Clothes Fall Off!

So apparently 'poison lady' is infamous among the customers as well as us! When we noticed she was in the store we were talking about her and another customer and his girlfriend were whispering about something and then all of a sudden asked me if the other cashier and I had been talking about the same woman they were! I laughed and said I bet we were! They described her and the way she was and I said yep, that's her! They knew her because they live in the same building and she showed up while they were in the building's hot tub with no top on! (dies) Too damn funny!

Do I Need To Draw You A Map?

Douchetard comes up to me at the end of my register and asks if he can buy his item and I of course say yes when he proceeds to place it on the opposite end of the register, where you pack the items. I explain that he has to bring it to the other side, where I am so I can scan it. He pretends not to hear me so I have to reach over and pick up the item and bring it over to my side. Then I tell him more loudly that he has to come closer to my side to pay. He looks stupidly inconvenienced by this. Douchetard.

The Rules Apply To Everyone...Except You Of Course

Just because there are lineups at regular registers, does NOT mean it's okay for your to bring a full cart of groceries to express. No, you wait in the regular lines like everyone else because the people behind you on express are following the rules and waiting and so should you. The store is busy. Deal.

In The Wise Words Of Ludacris...

After you empty your cart, either put it back but if you can't do that, at LEAST push it to the end of the aisle and against the wall. Don't leave it in the middle of the line up, blocking the people behind you, so they have to push it out of the way to get served next.

What's My Age Again?

If you happen to buy something you need to be over 19 to purchase, have ID with you. No, we will not take your word for it...or your mommy's when you call her. Lol!

Ten Things Rude Customers Do!

Worthy Of A Pigeon Shitting!

To the thunderous twat who got so pissed at one of our cashiers because YOU couldn't read and picked up the item that was NOT on sale, then proceeded to push past another older cashier, so that she banged her shoulder into a column, I sincerely hope someone punches you in the face. Twice.

Don't Be A Stalker!

(Customer brings me one stalk of celery pulled off from bunch)
Me: (stares at stalk and back at customer) Um...you might as well get the whole bunch cause celery's sold by bunch, not weight so you'll still end up paying the same price.
Customer is annoyed: "Really? I don't want it then."
Me: (leans down to place stalk under register to dispose of later and tries not to laugh my damn ass off)
Repeat a few days later with Kale. (dies)

Don't Worry, It's Still There!

Had a guy grab his crotch in front of me. Dear men, I know you occasionally have to adjust the mister, but don't do it front of people! You might treat us like we're invisible, but guess what? There isn't a magical wall between you and the register.  

Lie Back And Think Of England

Look, I know bagging groceries is part of my job and yeah, I'll do it, but as I'm scanning your stuff, you can help the process along if you have a huge amount of items! Had another guy and his girlfriend who did shit all while I was scanning a crap load of their stuff. Yep, I'm totally sticking to my theory that if a guy is too lazy to bag stuff as I'm scanning, he's not exactly...ahem...energetic in other aspects of his life.

The Angry Cashier

I would love to have this guy at our store! Lol!

Do I Look Like Bob Barker To You?

Don't complain to the cashier that an item is too expensive. We have NOTHING to do with how much things cost, 'kay? Oh, and talking about how another store has cheaper this or that while you're in front of the cashier is just really low class.

Oh My Dog!

Me: Sorry, but you're not allowed to bring dogs in here. 

Her: (in stoned valley girl voice) It's not my dog. 

Me: (blinks at random stupid comment) Her friend comes up next to her. Methinks perhaps the dog belongs to friend. I repeat statement. 

Friend: (in equally stoned valley girl voice) It's not my dog. 

Me: (stares at both of them and am convinced they have to be related cause they have equal degrees of stupid. People, it makes no difference WHO the pet belongs to. If YOU bring the pet in, YOU are breaking the rules.

Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Knew I was in for a weird day when less than half an hour into my shift, crazy ass woman came to me wanting to buy a gift card. Pointed her in the direction of where they were and proceeded to serve next person in line. Crazy woman returns and I cash out her gift card and serve next person. Crazy woman proceeds to stand next to Express and after finish serving the next customer, then proceeds to put items on counter and asks me why I was so rude and served other people in front of her. I tried to explain that I thought we were done since I had sold her the gift card. Instead of putting her items on the counter, she keeps the cart across from her next to another till, buys the gift card and then gets out of the line. To me that means we're done! Logic didn't seem to work on this lady, even our interim Front Manager tried to talk to her but that wasn't good enough for this thunderous twat and demanded to speak to store manager. Dear crazy ass people, stay home.

Cause Semisonic Says So!

Put my closed sign up and had one douchetard ask if I could take him cause he had only a few items, knowing that others were in lines at other registers just like he was. No, Special Snowflake. Closed means closed. Was on a register literally until the last minute. Bite me, I'm going home!

Do NOT Let Them Eat Cake!

Thunderous twat who wanted a cake at 10pm and didn't understand that yes, store is open till midnight, but not EVERY department is open that late. How about we not wait till 10 to get our cakes, okie?

The Importance Of Receipts!

This thunderous twat is some kind of cray cray! I thank my sweet baby Jesus this trash doesn't shop at our store...though we certainly have people like her! 

If I'm Cleaning Up After You, I Should Get To Beat You!

If you eat a meal at one of our tables, for pete's sake clean up after yourself, you douchetard! I'm not your mother and you're a PIG!

Ma'M, You Don't Look Like A George

People, when you send your significant other shopping and give them your credit card, if it's a chip card, make sure they KNOW your pin! If it's a sign card, make sure they KNOW how to sign your name!

Royal Flush!

If the store you go to happens to have a washroom and you USE this washroom, I'm going to ask you to do something that seems to never have occurred to some of you (which makes me wonder about the state of YOUR bathroom) but FLUSH the damn toilet! I don't care if you don't want to touch the handle. Grab some tissue and flush, you nasty piggies!

Spread 'Em!

Stop giving us your wadded up bills. Have the courtesy to unfold the damn things! We're cashiers, not origami experts.

You're Grocery Shopping, Not Playing Jenga!

People stop piling up your groceries on the belt. If it's full, wait. Inevitably, the belt will move and if your stuff is near the edge, some of it will fall over and even fall off and hit the floor. Also, however you pile it, is not how we will bag it so make it easier on everybody and just lay it all spread out, okie?

Good Things Come To Those Who...Grab Handfuls Of Them

Crazy ass guy and his girlfriend came in and stole huge handfuls of condiment packets...then came back and took more! Stealing food cause you're poor is one thing, stealing massive amounts of ketchup and mayonnaise etc packets is just ghetto!

Where Is My Mother F****** Pizza?

This girl goes a little ape shit that her pizza is taking so long, but one guy is not taking her crap!

Please Don't Touch The Strippers...And Other People's Groceries

When you're setting your stuff down or waiting to set your stuff down, do NOT push the other person's items out of the way. Wait until the belt moves or the person takes their stuff off the counter. It's RUDE to touch other people's items. You'll not only get a look of extreme bitchiness by the person whose stuff you're touching, I'll be mentally bitch slapping you too. 

We Don't Get Paid To Take Your Crap!

Laughing my ass off at this woman who passed 1...2...at least THREE of our huge garbage cans looking for somewhere to dump her trash. (shakes head) No, we cannot take your garbage at our register, you thunderous twat because ours are small and just for things like receipts and the like, they are NOT for you to dump out your smelly coffee. We provide store garbages for that. Use them.

You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore!

A reminder people, it's a grocery store NOT a flower shop. You want special wrapping techniques and flower arranging, do NOT come to me or I will whack you over the head with your bouquet.

Snap Was Wrong, I Do NOT Got The Power!

Dear special snowflakes, when I tell you I'm not authorized to do something, it means I am NOT authorized to do it and you'll just have to wait and come in when store manager is there...and here's a tip, he's the boss so it's a pretty sure bet he'll have already gone home by 8:30. Jeezits. 

Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire

Once you leave the store, no we cannot give you a refund for an item you say we charged you too many times for. Why? Well you asshat moron, seeing as your home now, we have no way of knowing you didn't buy that many items. Funny thing about being in your home, you can leave stuff there and then tell us you don't have it. People, check your stuff before you leave the store. Or do you really expect us to just take your word that of course YOU would never try and cheat the store. Right. And I've got some swampland in Florida I want to sell you... 

Can You Hear Me Now?

For the love of God people, speak up! We have a spiel we have to go through and if I have to ask you repeatedly what you're paying by and you keep mumbling, I'm going to be mentally bitch slapping you!