That's A Wrap!

Just so you know, I don't want to wrap your flowers so I am not going to volunteer to do this. If you want your flowers wrapped, yes, YOU are going to have to be the one to ask. This is not a flower shop. It's a grocery store, so I'm not going to ask you if you want them wrapped. You need to ask me if I can, AND you need to do it before I start serving the next customer in line, otherwise, move along.

The Customer Is Not Always Right...In Fact, They Rarely Are

Had one douchetard harassing the poor courtesy girl because he didn't want to fill out the 'return' form and just wanted to complain about how the price was wrong. Jackass, yes, it IS store policy that you have to sign for a return if you want your money back. I don't care if you sign it as PeeWee-frakking-Herman, we're not talking money out of our register and have it be short without a record of why the money is not there. If you have a problem with the policy, take it up with the head office and let the cashier do her damn job.

Don't Push Me

If I call you over and someone else makes it to my register before you do, calm the frak down. It happens. However, if you physically push against someone close to the register so you can get there first, I will mentally bitch slap you.

No Drunk Discount

Going shopping while drunk may result in you hitting on other women, like our poor deli folks while your girlfriend is standing right there! Don't drink and shop! 

Greed Is You

Just so you know, if I ask you for a charitable donation and you say no and then say yes to redeeming your points without then donating, I'm totally judging you.

Charity Jackass-Case

When I ask you for a donation, a simple no will suffice. Had this most atrocious excuse for a human being actually tell me that it was 'Darwinism' and we should just let nature take its course with 'those people' though he knew that wasn't a popular idea in our 'Commie' city. WTF??? I stared at him and explained that the donations were going to disabled children. That shut him up, as if it made a difference whether the money was going to a disease, which I think is what he thought, or a disability. He was with this girl and I gotta say, if it was me, the relationship would have been OVER right there! What a horrific human being, and I sure as hell wouldn't want to take the chance of having any kids with him. Good God, what kind of hateful things would he teach them? I'm just agog at being confronted with such pure arrogant evil.

Bad Touch

Me: Thank you for calling (store name) how may I help you?
Guy: This is blah blah from the center for blah blah. I just want to inform you that Joe and Steve (store name) are pedophiles. Thank you.
(blink) Now what was going through my mind was WTF? What I said was, in a completely unaffected, not going to even put up with your crap and give you the satisfaction of acting shocked: You're welcome.
(click)
This guy had just that tone of a hipster douchetard loser who rails against the 'establishment' and thinks all corporations are evil. Oh shut up you, loser and go back to your mommy's basement.

You're A Ham, But You're Not Funny!

Douchetard complained to me that he didn't want me to put anything on top of his ham because he didn't want it squished. His SLICED, flat ham. (shakes head)

Tug-Of-Knock It Off

Stop hanging on to the bag as we bag it. It's annoying. It's one thing if you're helping to bag, but if you're just hanging on to the bag, I want to smack your hand away. Stop it.

I Don't Work For You

Was closing up to go home when a douchetard customer told me I couldn't close up because there was a line up. I very pointedly looked at him and laughed that I was going home. Pft. Was he gonna pay me to stay longer? Methinks not.

Price Match Fail

Had a customer the other day trying to get me to give her a store made pizza for cheaper because it was a different price than another store made pizza. Um. No. They were different types of pizza. Nice try. And no, you can't put it back if you don't want it. I'll take it back. Thanks. (snorts)

Ready, Aim, Squat!

Gandalf, our homeless guy going to the bathroom on the floor (and it wasn't pee!) and having someone else clogging the sink with paper towels! Good lord people. WTF is wrong with you?

No Valet Service!

When I say that you can pick up an item before you leave to replace the one you were going to get that had a dent in it, that I scanned anyway just to cash you out, I do mean YOU can go pick it. No, I'm not going to leave my busy line to go get it and no, the girl cleaning behind me who is going home can't go get it for you. 

Retail Stole My Life By Rob Gonzo

                                          

What's The Point?

Like most point programs, the redemptions are in levels of 5. Guy comes and his total is about 8 bucks. He says he doesn't want to spend any money so isn't there anything we can do to fix the total in the register to make it 10 exactly. Er... no! Well, then he asks what if he gets something that doesn't add up to ten, exactly? I explain he'll have to pay however many cents over it is. He gives me an annoyed look and says he needs to go take out money. Wow! Lol!

Here's An Umbrella-Ella-Ella For Your Raincheck

If you want a rain check for an item, yes, there is a process to getting one and no the new cashier can't do it. You have to get it done at courtesy and I have no control over how fast things move from the shelves. Chances are, if it's on sale, it's going to go fast. If it's night time, chances are the sale item is going to be cleared out. That's how sales work, Princess.

Do I Look Like The Little Mermaid To You?

Have to share this story someone told me about a lady who went to the cashier and complained that we had live lobsters in a tank for people to buy. She said it was cruel. If you choose not to eat animals, don't. But don't complain about people who want fresh lobster, meaning we have to keep them in a tank. Thunderous twat!

We Apologize For The Inconvenience Of Your Stupidity

Had only two cashiers and myself for most of the day. Had to have upstairs folks come down often to help w huge lineups. Had one douchetard in line constantly complaining even after I tried to explain we were short. Another douchetard was taking pictures. People, this was obviously a stressful day. You had to deal with it for a couple of extra minutes in line, we have to deal with it for hours still after you leave. Some perspective and patience, okay?

Making Honey Boo Boo Look Classy!

Okay, story time. So I'm on courtesy and cashier across from me is going on her break. Couple with huge load of groceries decide they're going to come to me. Um no. I explain this is the express lane so I can't take them. Guy and his trailer trash looking girlfriend insist they are not going to wait in a longer line. I insist they can't use the express line. Douchetard starts placing his stuff on my counter! By this time a line is forming behind them w those who actually are following the rules. I could make a stink and continue to refuse or I could just serve them and get them out of the store. I decide to just serve them. I apologize emphatically to the other customers while trailer trash girlfriend is drinking a juice and makes to leave the box on a shelf. Um. No. I tell her to put in a garbage as that's not it. ( later found the box in a cart. I tell him that they're being very unfair to the other customers and they wouldn't like it if they had to wait in line behind someone with too many items for the express line. He laughs and says that life is not fair but for him it was today because I had to serve him!!!! I was just horrified by this couple's arrogance and selfishness! Next time I'm just calling a manager. I hope a whole family of pigeons shit on them!

Six Pence None The Richer

If you're paying for your lotto in mostly nickels, dimes and pennies, perhaps you shouldn't be gambling. Just a thought!

You Hang Up, No, You Hang Up!

It may be a good idea to decide which of you is going to pay before you get to the register. You may think it's cute to laugh and giggle and try and stop each other from paying, but the rest of us in line and behind the counter just want to bitchslap you!

Lotto Virgins!

If you're going to play Lotto and you don't know what you're doing, the night of a huge pot and I have a huge ass line is NOT the night to play for the first time. Do your research before coming in! If have to explain to you how to play (and particularly if you don't speak english and don't understand what I'm saying anyway!) I will mentally bitch slap you. Repeatedly. With a grocery separator.

Green Hornet's Nest!

Lady comes in with receipt talking about parking, and I'm thinking she's talking about how we validate parking by knocking a bit off your total if you spend a certain amount in the store and you have the parking receipt. Some people don't get the simple common sense that yes, you have to give the parking receipt to the cashier BEFORE she cashes you out. (see above about knocking money off your TOTAL) I try and explain that since she's already paid, we can't do anything for her. It's too late. She shows me the grocery receipt again and another paper and explains that her parents did a lot of shopping so can't we do something about it. It is then I see that she's not showing me the little receipt that you get after you pay for your parking, it's a longer sheet.
It's a parking ticket! She wanted US to reimburse her for the ticket she got for probably taking too long! (dies laughing) That one was a first for me!

The Way My Account Is Set Up....

The time to transfer funds into your bank account so that your debit doesn't get rejected is NOT while you're getting checked out! Thunderous twats and douchetards!

Milking It

Guy who tried to get a refund on an EMPTY chip bag returned today with an empty milk bottle. Not a big deal in itself as yes, we give bottle deposit back when you bring back the bottle. Except this guy brought in a bottle from milk that we DON'T sell! Lol. I went to check the brand name just to make sure and nope, wasn't one of ours. I was suspicious he was just grabbing stuff off the street and bringing them in trying to get money. Now I'm convinced! I'd feel sympathy for him if he wasn't such a grade A douchetard!

Spit Out The Seeds, It Might Improve Your Attitude!

Thunderous twat comes in, already full of attitude, demanding a refund for a watermelon she insists is bad, though looks perfectly fine to me and doesn't smell bad in the least. No receipt, not even most of the watermelon. There's only about a quarter of it left. I try to explain that we don't do refunds without receipts but she becomes furious and keeps going on about how she doesn't care and that I was going to fix it and that how her baby didn't like the watermelon (that anyone would procreate with this thunderous twat is highly questionable...oh wait, my Empty Chip Bag Guy) Lol! It's a miracle I didn't whack this thunderous twat over the head with her quarter of a watermelon.

Lotto Helps Those Who Help Themselves

The lotto self scanner, learn to use it, learn to love it. If I have a huge ass line up or am busy doing something else and you come to courtesy with a stack of tickets, all of which are non winners, unless you're replaying, I will mentally bitch slap you!

Be Confident...But Not A Filthy Slob!

Dear women who use the public bathrooms (squeamish men look away now) those plastic tampon applicators are flushable. Please flush them instead of, you know, just leaving them on the floor. Let's leave the men as the kings of filthy bathrooms their crown, 'kay?

I'm Not A Hotel, I Don't Need To Accomadate You

No you cannot use the fact that you need to buy Lotto as an excuse to bring your huge cart of groceries through the express line. Pay for your massive haul of groceries and THEN come to the express line. Yes, you need to deal with two line ups, snowflake.

You're Not The Easter Bunny. I'm Not Going To Believe In You.

Had douchetard come in to buy Lotto. Now we have a certain limit OLG allows us on the sports Lotto's so I had to call up to cash office folk to be clear on what that limit was again. Douchetard did not appreciate this. I tried to explain I needed to make sure he didn't pass the limit before I could sell it to him. Cash office folk gave me the all clear.
Douchetard: So It's fine then?
Me: Yep. I just had to make sure.
Douchetard: Well I told you it was fine.
Me: Yes, well, with all due respect I still had to call up and check.
Douchetard: Well, with all due respect, I told you you could.
Me: (tries not to grab stapler on counter and brain him with it)

Life In Retail

Trying To Get Something For Nothing

If you're buying any kind of fragile item such as a frosted baked good (this thunderous twat had cupcakes) and you aren't careful with how you hold them, if you bring them to the register NO you cannot have a discount because they are smushed.

Poison Lady: Just Not That Into You!

Gotta share the latest Poison Lady tale! She came in and told the coffee bar girl that she needed 4 shots in her Americano because she had to stay awake otherwise her neighbors would come into her apartment and rape her up the butt. Good lord! Lol!

"Rough" Bottomed Girls?

Tonight, I bring you the tale of Toilet Paper Lady. This woman came in wanting to return, you guessed it, toilet paper. I think it was Royale, with the adorable fluffy kittens on the package? Now that's important because the reason she was returning it was because, in her words, the toilet paper was 'too soft'. I'll give ya'll a moment to let that sink in....Silly me, I would think you'd prefer soft toilet paper when dealing with the 'misters' and 'misses'. Lol! I guess we should make a note to start stocking sandpaper. Crazy ass people!

Would she have preferred this instead?

Evian Spelled Backward Is Naive

I shall share the latest Poison Lady installment. She came by and strangely asked the coffee bar lady for water. A change from her usually 4 shot Americano...because, you know, she needs the caffeine. She was very enthusiastic about the water and complimented the coffee lady on the quality of the...ahem...tap water because and I quote "the water in my apartment is..." Everybody say it with me now, "POISONED!" That nutcase frakking kills me! Lol! 

That's A Little Out Of Our Way

Was close to the end of my shift when a guy calls asking if we deliver groceries. I say no. Story takes most bizarre turn when he explains that he is calling from MEMPHIS! Yes, Tennessee! That he's calling on behalf of his son and daughter in law who live in our city but can't come down because she's pregnant and suffering from nausea and son had broken his leg or something. Did I know any other stores that delivered? I gave him the name of one I thought did (as a soundtrack of WTFWTFWTF was going on in the back of my mind. Okay so, son and daughter in law couldn't come to the store...they didn't have a phone to call us themselves???? I repeat. WTF? We get some weird ass phone calls but that one has to be one for the record books. I think there may have been certain 'herb'-age or liquor involved. Lol!

Half Off...Your Rocker

No you cannot return something you bought when it was marked down because it was going to expire the day of or the day after you bought it. That's WHY it was marked down, ya thunderous twat!

And The Aretha Franklin Bitch Slap Award Goes To...

To the customer who rolled up a paper, tossed it toward one of our cashiers and said 'that's garbage. that's for you." I hope a pigeon shits on you, then I hope you step in crap, and then I hope you sit on gum. 

No Money. No Funny

Had a most bizarre customer who wanted to buy a whole huge cart of groceries and had MANY cards, none of which worked. Ahem. Warning bell #1. Then he had a huge stack of scratch tickets that he decided he was going to use to pay for the groceries with his winnings...which apparently weren't enough as he left the groceries behind and left the store...and a big ol mess of torn up scratch tickets. (sighs) Geez Louise. Definitely one to keep an eye on as he pulled same thing before with a crap load of prepaid Visas half of which didn't work. I call shenanigans! Lol!

Pepperoni And Extra Crazy Comes Free!

I thought the two drunk girls who sat in the ice fridge were pretty nuts. Then we had the two drunk/high/crazy folks who somehow made it to the back employees area of the store and started screaming that they wanted pizza. Well... we do have pretty great pizza. Lol!

Stupid People Make Me Cry

Even when I'm NOT on courtesy, the crazy ass people seem to just seek me out! Literally five minutes before the end of my shift. I'm just done cleaning up my register and this douchetard comes in with an EMPTY bag of chips saying he wants a refund because he didn't like them. He didn't like the now EMPTY bag of chips. I'm looking at the bag and he must be able to see the 'who the frak are you kidding' look on my face because when I ask if he had the receipt and he says it's stupid to expect people to keep their receipts, why would someone do that. I very pointedly remind him that he's there for an exchange, but I can see that this douchetard doesn't get it. He starts getting all angry and starts swearing and yelling and wants to see the manager, I remind him the store is closing in an hour, the managers don't stay until midnight, only the front end is open at that hour. He keeps going on and swearing. At that point I simply give him the store number and tell him to ask for the manager tomorrow. I'm no longer dealing with his crazy ass. Losing his freaking mind over a 2 dollar bag of chips. He had to be either drunk or stoned. Douchetard.

The Colonel Doesn't Work Here

Had this douchetard come in the other day who did not appreciate that after 11pm all the roast chickens were sold out for the day and no we could not make one just for him seeing as how the only department open at that hour was the front cash and all hot foods folks went home. He apparently got his boxers in such a twist that he punched the plastic walls on the hot shelves where the chickens are usually kept. Douchetard.

Your Mommy Lied. You're Not Special

If you're in a line up, and it turns out the person in front of you needs a refund or exchange and you groan or make some other kind of impatient noise, guess what? When I get to you, I will move as slow as humanly possible. I don't care if you're in a hurry. Keep your snowflake attitude to yourself. You are not more important than anybody else.

My Eyes Are Up Here!

One of the worst times to work retail is when there are big events going on, particularly sports events because we get  inebriated sports fans! Two of which came to this cashier's register and spent the entire transaction looking at her boobs! If that wasn't funny enough, one of them would constantly repeat, "I'm not looking at your boobs, I'm reading your name tag. I'm not looking at your boobs!" Over and over. She and I and another cashier were practically on the floor we were laughing so hard!

Betcha Can't Steal Just One!

Thunderous twat who constantly is trying to push more items through the express line, took exception with me reminding her that there was a limit on items. I spot her taking stuff out of her cart and putting it aside and ask her to pass them to me when she insists the items aren't hers. Okay, I could swear I saw her put them there, but whatever, I ask her just to pass them to me anyway and I'll return them later. She passes them to me and I realize the bag of chips is empty! I'm not sure if she is the one who ate them without paying but I say out loud about how classy it is when people just eat stuff without paying and leave the garbage behind. I cash her out and give her the receipt and she's still giving me attitude and says in an annoyed voice that yes, she ate the chips and will pay for them now! I'm just...wow.

Death, Taxes And Douchetards

Guy came to me and complained that a cashier charged him tax for his items. Did he just move to the planet? There are tax on certain food items and there's no rhyme or reason what has tax and what doesn't. He wanted me to change the price for him. Um no. To fix that, you'll have to go hire up as it has nothing to do with the store. Try calling Stephen Harper (Canada's prime minister) I hear he really responds well to people wanting him to change things. Lol!

Can You Hear Me Now?

Thunderous twat who pretended not to hear cashier when she asked the customer for a bag. First she said no, even though she had a crapload of stuff. Then it came time to pay and customer pulled out her debit. Again, cashier asked if customer was SURE she didn't need bags. She said yes that she did need bags, of course. Cashier reminded her that she had asked and customer had said no. Thunderous twat makes up some story that she thought cashier was asking her for change for a 5. Right. the CASHIER was asking the CUSTOMER for change. Just so you know, folks, we're not stupid. We know exactly what you're doing when you pay with your card so that when you ask for bags at the last minute (pretending you didn't hear us ask) that we won't charge you because we'll assume you don't have change to pay for it. That just makes me insist on the money for the bags even more as a matter of principle! Lol!

You're So Not Rad

Had one douchetard who brought me three individual radishes, even though we only sell them in bunches! Him: Well, can't you just charge me for these ones?
Me: Um no, you're better off getting the whole bunch cause it'll be the same price when I punch in the code for radishes.
Douchetard: Well, can't you punch in another code?
Me (wondering how this guy gets through the day without falling down more: No, I have to punch in the code for what it is.
Douchetard (still trying to get out of paying the right price.): Well don't you have a bulk code?
Me (about ready to shove the radishes up his nostrils) No.
Douchetard: But what are you gonna do with them now?
Me: Give them back to the produce guy.
Douchetard walks away. I'm looking around for Ashton Kutcher. Lol!

You Can Count On Me

Thunderous twat was giving the wuvly cashier grief saying that she owed her an extra 10 dollars in change. Now the cashier was pretty sure she had given her the right change but of course, we're only human so she gets the wuvly cash office girl down from the cash office to count the till to see if it was off and if the cashier had indeed forgot to give her back the right change. Thunderous twat goes batshit that cashier doesn't just give her back the money, doesn't trust her word for it. Hmm, funny that. Anyway so cash office girl counts the till and it's right. Meaning cashier gave the customer back the right change. No mistake was made. Thunderous twat goes even more batshit insisting they're wrong and demanding her money. Cash office girl counts the till repeatedly in front of this thunderous twat to prove that they're not wrong. Thunderous twat asks her how can cash office girl know if cashier gave her the change or not?

Cash Office Girl: Um, cause I counted the cash in the till and it's not 10 dollars over.

Thunderous Twat: But how do you know? Blah blah blah.

Again cash office girl tries to explain how she's counting it in front of the lady.

Thunderous twat's brain explodes from sheer stupidity.

Okay, so I added that last part. Lol

You Can't Please A Thunderous Twat

Store closed for the day because the fridges were on the fritz, we were giving away free coffee and pastries to make up for it. There was this thunderous twat who STILL complained because the lines for the FREE coffees and snacks were so long. WTF? You're getting stuff for FREE! Shut your face!

TMI?

Caller asked if we sold condoms and lube. Lol... best part of that story was a certain 'innocent' cashier who didn't know what lube was. (Dies)