Lotto Virgins!

If you're going to play Lotto and you don't know what you're doing, the night of a huge pot and I have a huge ass line is NOT the night to play for the first time. Do your research before coming in! If have to explain to you how to play (and particularly if you don't speak english and don't understand what I'm saying anyway!) I will mentally bitch slap you. Repeatedly. With a grocery separator.

Green Hornet's Nest!

Lady comes in with receipt talking about parking, and I'm thinking she's talking about how we validate parking by knocking a bit off your total if you spend a certain amount in the store and you have the parking receipt. Some people don't get the simple common sense that yes, you have to give the parking receipt to the cashier BEFORE she cashes you out. (see above about knocking money off your TOTAL) I try and explain that since she's already paid, we can't do anything for her. It's too late. She shows me the grocery receipt again and another paper and explains that her parents did a lot of shopping so can't we do something about it. It is then I see that she's not showing me the little receipt that you get after you pay for your parking, it's a longer sheet.
It's a parking ticket! She wanted US to reimburse her for the ticket she got for probably taking too long! (dies laughing) That one was a first for me!

The Way My Account Is Set Up....

The time to transfer funds into your bank account so that your debit doesn't get rejected is NOT while you're getting checked out! Thunderous twats and douchetards!

Milking It

Guy who tried to get a refund on an EMPTY chip bag returned today with an empty milk bottle. Not a big deal in itself as yes, we give bottle deposit back when you bring back the bottle. Except this guy brought in a bottle from milk that we DON'T sell! Lol. I went to check the brand name just to make sure and nope, wasn't one of ours. I was suspicious he was just grabbing stuff off the street and bringing them in trying to get money. Now I'm convinced! I'd feel sympathy for him if he wasn't such a grade A douchetard!

Spit Out The Seeds, It Might Improve Your Attitude!

Thunderous twat comes in, already full of attitude, demanding a refund for a watermelon she insists is bad, though looks perfectly fine to me and doesn't smell bad in the least. No receipt, not even most of the watermelon. There's only about a quarter of it left. I try to explain that we don't do refunds without receipts but she becomes furious and keeps going on about how she doesn't care and that I was going to fix it and that how her baby didn't like the watermelon (that anyone would procreate with this thunderous twat is highly questionable...oh wait, my Empty Chip Bag Guy) Lol! It's a miracle I didn't whack this thunderous twat over the head with her quarter of a watermelon.

Lotto Helps Those Who Help Themselves

The lotto self scanner, learn to use it, learn to love it. If I have a huge ass line up or am busy doing something else and you come to courtesy with a stack of tickets, all of which are non winners, unless you're replaying, I will mentally bitch slap you!

Be Confident...But Not A Filthy Slob!

Dear women who use the public bathrooms (squeamish men look away now) those plastic tampon applicators are flushable. Please flush them instead of, you know, just leaving them on the floor. Let's leave the men as the kings of filthy bathrooms their crown, 'kay?

I'm Not A Hotel, I Don't Need To Accomadate You

No you cannot use the fact that you need to buy Lotto as an excuse to bring your huge cart of groceries through the express line. Pay for your massive haul of groceries and THEN come to the express line. Yes, you need to deal with two line ups, snowflake.

You're Not The Easter Bunny. I'm Not Going To Believe In You.

Had douchetard come in to buy Lotto. Now we have a certain limit OLG allows us on the sports Lotto's so I had to call up to cash office folk to be clear on what that limit was again. Douchetard did not appreciate this. I tried to explain I needed to make sure he didn't pass the limit before I could sell it to him. Cash office folk gave me the all clear.
Douchetard: So It's fine then?
Me: Yep. I just had to make sure.
Douchetard: Well I told you it was fine.
Me: Yes, well, with all due respect I still had to call up and check.
Douchetard: Well, with all due respect, I told you you could.
Me: (tries not to grab stapler on counter and brain him with it)

Life In Retail

Trying To Get Something For Nothing

If you're buying any kind of fragile item such as a frosted baked good (this thunderous twat had cupcakes) and you aren't careful with how you hold them, if you bring them to the register NO you cannot have a discount because they are smushed.

Poison Lady: Just Not That Into You!

Gotta share the latest Poison Lady tale! She came in and told the coffee bar girl that she needed 4 shots in her Americano because she had to stay awake otherwise her neighbors would come into her apartment and rape her up the butt. Good lord! Lol!

"Rough" Bottomed Girls?

Tonight, I bring you the tale of Toilet Paper Lady. This woman came in wanting to return, you guessed it, toilet paper. I think it was Royale, with the adorable fluffy kittens on the package? Now that's important because the reason she was returning it was because, in her words, the toilet paper was 'too soft'. I'll give ya'll a moment to let that sink in....Silly me, I would think you'd prefer soft toilet paper when dealing with the 'misters' and 'misses'. Lol! I guess we should make a note to start stocking sandpaper. Crazy ass people!

Would she have preferred this instead?

Evian Spelled Backward Is Naive

I shall share the latest Poison Lady installment. She came by and strangely asked the coffee bar lady for water. A change from her usually 4 shot Americano...because, you know, she needs the caffeine. She was very enthusiastic about the water and complimented the coffee lady on the quality of the...ahem...tap water because and I quote "the water in my apartment is..." Everybody say it with me now, "POISONED!" That nutcase frakking kills me! Lol! 

That's A Little Out Of Our Way

Was close to the end of my shift when a guy calls asking if we deliver groceries. I say no. Story takes most bizarre turn when he explains that he is calling from MEMPHIS! Yes, Tennessee! That he's calling on behalf of his son and daughter in law who live in our city but can't come down because she's pregnant and suffering from nausea and son had broken his leg or something. Did I know any other stores that delivered? I gave him the name of one I thought did (as a soundtrack of WTFWTFWTF was going on in the back of my mind. Okay so, son and daughter in law couldn't come to the store...they didn't have a phone to call us themselves???? I repeat. WTF? We get some weird ass phone calls but that one has to be one for the record books. I think there may have been certain 'herb'-age or liquor involved. Lol!

Half Off...Your Rocker

No you cannot return something you bought when it was marked down because it was going to expire the day of or the day after you bought it. That's WHY it was marked down, ya thunderous twat!

And The Aretha Franklin Bitch Slap Award Goes To...

To the customer who rolled up a paper, tossed it toward one of our cashiers and said 'that's garbage. that's for you." I hope a pigeon shits on you, then I hope you step in crap, and then I hope you sit on gum. 

No Money. No Funny

Had a most bizarre customer who wanted to buy a whole huge cart of groceries and had MANY cards, none of which worked. Ahem. Warning bell #1. Then he had a huge stack of scratch tickets that he decided he was going to use to pay for the groceries with his winnings...which apparently weren't enough as he left the groceries behind and left the store...and a big ol mess of torn up scratch tickets. (sighs) Geez Louise. Definitely one to keep an eye on as he pulled same thing before with a crap load of prepaid Visas half of which didn't work. I call shenanigans! Lol!

Pepperoni And Extra Crazy Comes Free!

I thought the two drunk girls who sat in the ice fridge were pretty nuts. Then we had the two drunk/high/crazy folks who somehow made it to the back employees area of the store and started screaming that they wanted pizza. Well... we do have pretty great pizza. Lol!

Stupid People Make Me Cry

Even when I'm NOT on courtesy, the crazy ass people seem to just seek me out! Literally five minutes before the end of my shift. I'm just done cleaning up my register and this douchetard comes in with an EMPTY bag of chips saying he wants a refund because he didn't like them. He didn't like the now EMPTY bag of chips. I'm looking at the bag and he must be able to see the 'who the frak are you kidding' look on my face because when I ask if he had the receipt and he says it's stupid to expect people to keep their receipts, why would someone do that. I very pointedly remind him that he's there for an exchange, but I can see that this douchetard doesn't get it. He starts getting all angry and starts swearing and yelling and wants to see the manager, I remind him the store is closing in an hour, the managers don't stay until midnight, only the front end is open at that hour. He keeps going on and swearing. At that point I simply give him the store number and tell him to ask for the manager tomorrow. I'm no longer dealing with his crazy ass. Losing his freaking mind over a 2 dollar bag of chips. He had to be either drunk or stoned. Douchetard.

The Colonel Doesn't Work Here

Had this douchetard come in the other day who did not appreciate that after 11pm all the roast chickens were sold out for the day and no we could not make one just for him seeing as how the only department open at that hour was the front cash and all hot foods folks went home. He apparently got his boxers in such a twist that he punched the plastic walls on the hot shelves where the chickens are usually kept. Douchetard.

Your Mommy Lied. You're Not Special

If you're in a line up, and it turns out the person in front of you needs a refund or exchange and you groan or make some other kind of impatient noise, guess what? When I get to you, I will move as slow as humanly possible. I don't care if you're in a hurry. Keep your snowflake attitude to yourself. You are not more important than anybody else.

My Eyes Are Up Here!

One of the worst times to work retail is when there are big events going on, particularly sports events because we get  inebriated sports fans! Two of which came to this cashier's register and spent the entire transaction looking at her boobs! If that wasn't funny enough, one of them would constantly repeat, "I'm not looking at your boobs, I'm reading your name tag. I'm not looking at your boobs!" Over and over. She and I and another cashier were practically on the floor we were laughing so hard!

Betcha Can't Steal Just One!

Thunderous twat who constantly is trying to push more items through the express line, took exception with me reminding her that there was a limit on items. I spot her taking stuff out of her cart and putting it aside and ask her to pass them to me when she insists the items aren't hers. Okay, I could swear I saw her put them there, but whatever, I ask her just to pass them to me anyway and I'll return them later. She passes them to me and I realize the bag of chips is empty! I'm not sure if she is the one who ate them without paying but I say out loud about how classy it is when people just eat stuff without paying and leave the garbage behind. I cash her out and give her the receipt and she's still giving me attitude and says in an annoyed voice that yes, she ate the chips and will pay for them now! I'm just...wow.

Death, Taxes And Douchetards

Guy came to me and complained that a cashier charged him tax for his items. Did he just move to the planet? There are tax on certain food items and there's no rhyme or reason what has tax and what doesn't. He wanted me to change the price for him. Um no. To fix that, you'll have to go hire up as it has nothing to do with the store. Try calling Stephen Harper (Canada's prime minister) I hear he really responds well to people wanting him to change things. Lol!

Can You Hear Me Now?

Thunderous twat who pretended not to hear cashier when she asked the customer for a bag. First she said no, even though she had a crapload of stuff. Then it came time to pay and customer pulled out her debit. Again, cashier asked if customer was SURE she didn't need bags. She said yes that she did need bags, of course. Cashier reminded her that she had asked and customer had said no. Thunderous twat makes up some story that she thought cashier was asking her for change for a 5. Right. the CASHIER was asking the CUSTOMER for change. Just so you know, folks, we're not stupid. We know exactly what you're doing when you pay with your card so that when you ask for bags at the last minute (pretending you didn't hear us ask) that we won't charge you because we'll assume you don't have change to pay for it. That just makes me insist on the money for the bags even more as a matter of principle! Lol!

You're So Not Rad

Had one douchetard who brought me three individual radishes, even though we only sell them in bunches! Him: Well, can't you just charge me for these ones?
Me: Um no, you're better off getting the whole bunch cause it'll be the same price when I punch in the code for radishes.
Douchetard: Well, can't you punch in another code?
Me (wondering how this guy gets through the day without falling down more: No, I have to punch in the code for what it is.
Douchetard (still trying to get out of paying the right price.): Well don't you have a bulk code?
Me (about ready to shove the radishes up his nostrils) No.
Douchetard: But what are you gonna do with them now?
Me: Give them back to the produce guy.
Douchetard walks away. I'm looking around for Ashton Kutcher. Lol!

You Can Count On Me

Thunderous twat was giving the wuvly cashier grief saying that she owed her an extra 10 dollars in change. Now the cashier was pretty sure she had given her the right change but of course, we're only human so she gets the wuvly cash office girl down from the cash office to count the till to see if it was off and if the cashier had indeed forgot to give her back the right change. Thunderous twat goes batshit that cashier doesn't just give her back the money, doesn't trust her word for it. Hmm, funny that. Anyway so cash office girl counts the till and it's right. Meaning cashier gave the customer back the right change. No mistake was made. Thunderous twat goes even more batshit insisting they're wrong and demanding her money. Cash office girl counts the till repeatedly in front of this thunderous twat to prove that they're not wrong. Thunderous twat asks her how can cash office girl know if cashier gave her the change or not?

Cash Office Girl: Um, cause I counted the cash in the till and it's not 10 dollars over.

Thunderous Twat: But how do you know? Blah blah blah.

Again cash office girl tries to explain how she's counting it in front of the lady.

Thunderous twat's brain explodes from sheer stupidity.

Okay, so I added that last part. Lol

You Can't Please A Thunderous Twat

Store closed for the day because the fridges were on the fritz, we were giving away free coffee and pastries to make up for it. There was this thunderous twat who STILL complained because the lines for the FREE coffees and snacks were so long. WTF? You're getting stuff for FREE! Shut your face!

TMI?

Caller asked if we sold condoms and lube. Lol... best part of that story was a certain 'innocent' cashier who didn't know what lube was. (Dies)

Redbull Gives You Assholes

Have to share this story about this douchetard the other day who decided he wanted a four pack of RedBull... but we were sold out so he gathers four individual ones and wants me to give him the four-pack price. Um. No. I explain that I can't because I need to scan the bar code on the four-pack to bring up the four-pack price. He insists that I can just waive having to scan the barcode. Um. Again. No. I'm not going to open code an item just because we're sold out of it and you want a special price. I try and explain this in a nicer way. We're sold out of the four packs. Sorry. His reply? We'll that's not my problem. I try and not take one the RedBull's and shove them up a place in him they were not meant for. I very nicely explain that it's not our problem either. It's just fact. We're sold out. Sorry. He does not take the individual RedBulls.

Time Is Not On Your Side

I have a certain time that I have to shut down the lotto terminal. 9pm. Don't come in at 8:59 on YOUR phone and complain to me that you want a ticket when my terminal says 9. Tough crap. I have to go by the Lotto's computer, not your phone, or watch or abacus, or sundial. (snorts)

Are You A 13 Year Old Girl?

'Whatever' is not an appropriate response to any of the questions we have to ask you. 'whatever' gets you mentally bitch slapped.

Yes. Yes I Do.

It's Too Late Baby Now It's Too Late

Thunderous twat that didn't understand that rainchecks only work if you give them to the cashier BEFORE she cashes out the item you had a raincheck for!

Stupid Questions. Stupid People

Poison Lady: Beans Beans They're Good For Your Heart...

Poison Lady came to cashier's register while she was covering my break. Poison Lady apparently FARTED and then announced this fact to cashier and the other maaaannnnyyy customers in line by warning them not to breathe in if they couldn't stand the smell of their own farts. (dies laughing)

 

The Importance Of Being Frozen! Not Just A Disney Movie

So this woman comes in amid the batshitedness that was yesterday and wants to return meat that she says smells bad, which it most definitely does. Fine. She has done this before though, returned meat she said had gone bad but I'm convinced she is simply sticking her stuff in the fridge and not in the freezer because what are the odds that she buys meat twice and both times it's bad, but okay. Last time she came in, she didn't have the receipt and after much back and forth I gave her the refund cause meat guy was like, it's okay, just give it to her. (irks the HELL out of me but not my problem) Anyway, she comes in this time and oh yes, she has the receipt, under chicken...the very stinky chicken, mixed in right with the stinky juices. ICK!ICK!ICK! I debated whether to throw it out but file maintenance folk need it so I laid it on a paper towel and tried to dry the worst of the damage and hope for the best. It only occurs to me now that she may have done it as an f-you but I doubt it because she's a pretty pleasant lady...who from this moment on shall be dubbed Chicken Lady!

Poison Lady: Match Not Approved!

So Poison Lady showed up in beautiful wtf-ery form! Lol. A guy was flirting with one of our cashier's in the same line as Poison Lady and as the guy gave the cashier a card with his number on it, the Poison Lady lost her freaking mind and started threatening the guy and telling the cashier not to take his number and telling the guy that she was going to f him up! She walked back down the grocery lanes shouting and swearing up a storm. Lol! I think if I ever write a book, Poison Lady will have her very own chapter! (dies)

Making It Rain

We're cashiers, NOT strippers so stop throwing your money at us. You're confusing our store with the place your girlfriend works. Hand us the money politely 'kay?

Let Me Put On My Care Face

Points cards are a part of the deal. It's part of our job to get you to sign up. Telling me you don't 'do that shit' and adding that you're in marketing so you know how the info gets used, doesn't make you a discerning, intelligent customer, it makes you a douchetard.

Hubba Bubba Hell No!

The store provides you with MANY different garbage bins for you to use throughout. Don't wait until you get to a cashier to hand her your garbage. We're not garbage collectors...especially not for your gum! Your-not-even-wrapped-up-but-rolled-into-a-ball-CHEWED-gum! Yes. These two thunderous twats tried this with me and then another poor cashier when I said no. Ick! Ick! Ick!

Your Money's No Good Here!

If you have money from another country, it would perhaps be best to ask if there are any restrictions on the store accepting your money (ie, up to a certain amount only) BEFORE I start scanning your items so I don't have to cancel it when you try and give me something higher than I can accept. 

This Is The Place For Food, Not Fido!

Some douchetard brought in his dog and got all pissy when after paging him over and over we took his dog outside. Common sense folks, we sell food here, stop bringing your damn pets! 

Don't Go Away Mad, Just Go Away

This thunderous twat didn't seem to understand that the 'closed' sign is not an optional feature we offer at the store. (snorts) Cashier put her sign on the belt and then this twat who looked like she thought her shit didn't stink came into her line, when cashier tried to explain that she was closed, the woman said and I quote 'I don't mind'. (blinks) Que??? She made no move to leave the line, seeming to think that cashier would serve her if she just stayed in the line...even though the cashier was closed. Um. No. That's not how 'closed' works. Snobby, irritating just...GRR! That woman is very lucky that wasn't my line.

We Know 'Our' Limit, Play Within It

If we try and explain to you that we have a limit on how much Lotto we can sell you, just smile and nod and accept this. Don't argue that you know we can sell more after a few minutes or whatever your douchetard friend told you 'cause he knows some way to cheat the system. We don't,. Deal....or buy your Lotto somewhere else!

Universal Truth!

Retail Employees Should Get These On Their First Day!

Can we have these at our registers???



                                     

Hardore Pawn...I Need To Watch This Show

Oh yes, I definitely know people like this! I also really need to watch this show apparently! Lol!

Watch Me Pull This Idiot Out Of My Hat!

Crazy douchetard who didn't 'believe' that cashier had swiped his points card. Even after she OFFERED to show him on her register that yes, his card had been swiped and he STILL didn't believe her. The piece de resistance was this dialogue.
Douchetard: "If you swiped my card how come I'm still holding it?"
Cashier: "Because I gave it back to you after I swiped it.
(customer continues to grumble as he walks away once transaction is over)

Real Housewives Of Honey Boo Boo

I knew I was in for an interesting day when one cashier showed me a large cucumber and two limes that had been...um...strategically arranged, let's say. Not too busy at all but must share this story about this crazy ass either high or drunk woman who came to my register wearing...er...not much and let's just say there was a LOT more her than there was clothes. We're not talking muffin top, we're talking cake...we're talking as as another cashier put it, souffle, just puffing out everywhere in a halter midriff top and shorts, I think! Normally I wouldn't comment but I had to ask this thunderous twat three times for her points card at which point she gave me such a look of dimwitted-ness that I wish I could convey it to ya'll with words but there are none. She paid out of a Ziploc bag and had really long porn-star type nails. Just all, class, you know? I half expected to see a trailer parked outside the store.

Taking Things Not-So-Nice And Slow

If you cop an attitude while I'm serving one customer and you're next in line and you're huffing and rolling your eyes because you're in a hurry, I'll just let you know right now, you're pretty much assuring yourself a hell of a longer wait when I get to you because I will deliberately go as slow as humanly possible through your transaction. So be patient 'kay? You're not a special snowflake.